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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24000880">How crazy you are</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd'>luna_dd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love and respect [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DAKAICHI (Anime), 抱かれたい男1位に脅されています。 | Dakaretai Otoko Ichii ni Odosarete Imasu (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mentions of Rape, Unhealthy Relationships, actually 5 times but it is still a lot, but i mean we don't know how he would react, no beta we die like men, probably ooc sasaki-san, the word "rape" is used a lot, they just talk over the phone i guess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:55:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,304</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24000880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Calling Sasaki-san he wanted to be comforted, he wanted to be believed and he wanted his only friend to help him find the strength to take care of himself and break up with… with… with his boyfriend who loved him more than anyone. He wanted Sasaki’s help in avoiding Junta until he felt ready to have that conversation, but there really was no reason to talk about it after all.</p><p>After all he was just anxious and crazy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azumaya Junta/Saijou Takato (Mentioned), Saijou Takato &amp; Takumi Sasaki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love and respect [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How crazy you are</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i've been working on this for months now and i'm still not sure because i struggled <i> a lot</i> while writing it. There are still parts i'm unsure of but if i try to edit it anymore I might actually start crying lol<br/>this is set right after the first part ends.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>That night, that awful night when he had to reevaluate his entire relationship with Azumaya Junta, when he felt like he had to close the curtains shut and barricade himself in his own apartment, he called Sasaki-san. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped the bomb, probably waking the poor guy up and forcing him to leave a comfortable bed and loving wife</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was raped.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear something falling on a floor on the other side and he hoped it was nothing valuable, second later there was a distant jingling of keys.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you, Totaka? I’ll pick you up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need. I am home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we need to contact a hospital? Did you call the police? Should I call Azumaya?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No- I- ” Saijou’s breath hitched and he shook his head. “there is no need for that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you decide on becoming a part of the entertainment industry, you have to make some sacrifices, social life being one of them. Takato didn’t have friends per se; he had coworkers, co-stars, allies to call them at best. He couldn’t recall the last time he went to grab a coffee with someone he just wanted to spend time with. Instead he attended business meetings and occasional dates set by the PR team.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In this crazy world, his manager was the closest thing to a friend he could get and the only person, aside from his therapist, that he could confy in. But he still didn’t know what kind of reaction to expect after saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need me to come over?” Takato could easily imagine the man standing by the kitchen counter, playing with the car keys, weighing the options. Sasaki’s words had sharp edges of worry around them but the last sentence was slightly softer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay.” Takato rested against the pillows. The room was still dark so he had to feel around to grab a blanket he knew laid somewhere on the couch but he finally found it and covered himself.  He suddenly felt really cold. “Sorry about calling you this late. I had an appointment with my therapist today and… we brought up something and I wanted to talk to you about it. I don’t know if i will be able to do this tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. I am kinda relieved that it is something that you talked about during your therapy and not a current crisis.” Takato shifted his position. What Sasaki said wasn’t bad but it just felt… off. Not like something he wanted to hear. “You can tell me all about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was raped.” Takato took a deep breath before continuing. “It was Junta. When we first started shooting for midnight star. After the director insisted on us going for a drink together. I had too much alcohol and he took me to his apartment...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He took advantage of you when you were drunk?” Sasaki sounded scandalised and that was an emotion Takato could work with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not exactly. But he took a few videos that would destroy my career if the press ever saw them. I asked what he wanted in exchange for deleting them and he said… he said he wants to hold me…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Totaka, but that sounds like a blackmail to me, not a rape.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takato chose to pretend he didn’t hear that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told him I don’t want it. I asked him to stop. I begged him to leave me alone. I tried to run but he got to me before I managed to lock the bathroom door. He… did it to me against the wall. He raped me against the wall. He touched me and he kissed me and it felt good but I hated it so much." He shut his eyes and covered them with his free hand. It was hard. If Takato thought it was hard discussing it with his therapist, he clearly didn’t know how hard it would be to tell anyone else about it, while it was still raw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He continued and maybe it was because part of Saijou still  believed that the entire situation was his own fault, so there was no reason for anyone to think differently, but he felt like he had to over-explain and justify every move on his part to be valid. Because he wouldn’t be able to continue if Sasaki-san didn’t believe him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “And after all of that he still tells me that he likes me, and I just don’t know what to do,” he finished close to tears. “My therapist said that this in not hea-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does like you. He loves you more than anymore, more than your own mother I dare to say. If he could he would put you in his pocket and carry you everywhere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Totaka was dumbstruck. Did Sasaki not hear everything he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>before</span>
  </em>
  <span> that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” he repeated </span>
  <span>weakly</span>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got me really worried, Totaka. But if it’s just Azumaya, isn’t it ultimately all right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Isn’t it...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“And i know you love him too,” Sasaki continued. “And if I’m to be honest I think that being in a relationship with him is good for you. I’ve never seen you so thriving, Totaka. You are finally opening up to people around you. It was really sad to look at you before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...ultimately all right?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I really think that the two of you make a good couple. I just wish the industry would be more accepting towards gay couples but I think we are slowly going there. I know you tend to worry about small things, Totaka, but it happened months ago and I think that you should leave it in the past. Focus on the present and the future. Aren't you two supposed to move in together?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He's right.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm actually still going through the catalogues." </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There would be no way to run away, no way to hide, no way to avoid his body being used again and again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Takato’s mouth went dry, suddenly he didn’t want to continue this conversation.  He faked a yawn and apologized</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry for calling you this late, Sasaki-san. You must be really tired."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not a problem, you are my friend and I will alway be there for you. I know how crazy  you can get when anxiety hits you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tokato forced himself to give out a small thank you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I almost forgot!” Sasaki interrupted him. “Azumaya called me at least ten times. He’s dead worried that something has happened to you, you should call him to say that you are fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will…” Takato ended the call.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...tell him I’m fine.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In his head Saijou went through everything his friend has said</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...not a current crisis.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...not a rape</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...you love him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...being with him is good for you</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t it ultimately all right?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone lit up with another incoming call from Chunta but he ignored it. Again. He wasn’t fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>crazy</span>
  <em>
    <span> you can get when anxiety hits you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>Calling Sasaki-san he wanted to be comforted, he wanted to be believed and he wanted his only friend to help him find the strength to take care of himself and break up with… with… with his boyfriend who loved him more than anyone. He wanted Sasaki’s help in avoiding Junta until he felt ready to have that conversation, but there really was no reason to talk about it after all.</p><p>After all he was just anxious and crazy.</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Worrying about small things</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But Takato didn’t feel crazy. Surely he felt anxious though, he was shaking despite being completely covered with a thick blanket. Underneath it he was a sobbing mess, fighting for every breath and catching tears and snot in the sleeve of his own sweater.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thank God, no one could see that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one could see how crazy he was.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The first draft looked COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Takato got all the comfort he deserved and he hugged with Sasaki-san on the couch and cried on his shoulder.<br/>but then i thought of my friend who never got that from people close to her when she told them about it<br/>and then i thought of my other 'friend' who rarely gives me any emotional comfort when i need it and how it always throws me off<br/>and then i thought of my bff who gets called crazy by her other friends because she's suffering and struggling<br/>and i just decided that life is not fair</p></blockquote></div></div>
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